Mutilated wangs and exploding nads are the bread and butter for The Week in WTF? but I understand these things make some of you uncomfortable. This week, and this week only, we’re going totally dickless and nutless, just like Joe Biden.
Headline of the Week
Woman allegedly ‘shot boyfriend in face’ as he tried to teach her how to use gun
A girlfriend allegedly shot her boyfriend in the face by accident while he was teaching her how to use a gun, according to police reports.
Christopher Antron Scott Jr, 30, had been showing Anna Sigarroa, 36, his new handgun at their shared home in Toledo, Ohio just before midnight on Friday 4 March.
Police reports obtained by local television station WTVG stated this was followed by an incident when she inadvertently pulled the trigger and shot him.
Sigarroa told officers she had asked Scott to put down the gun, as he was not permitted to be around weapons due to a prior felony conviction.
She claimed that she then tried to take the gun away, with her accidental pulling of the trigger in the ensuing struggle leading to a bullet being fired into Scott’s mouth.
After receiving the injury he drove himself to a local hospital.
Sigarroa was taken to Lucas County Jail, and is now facing a charge of felonious assault weapon or ordnance.
What the teacher didn’t account for was his student’s fat trigger finger.
Stroke of the Week
Man’s tongue mysteriously turns black and hairy after stroke, puzzles doctors
Indian doctors were left flabbergasted over the bizarre case of a man whose tongue became carpeted in black hair after he suffered a stroke. His tufty taste buds were detailed Wednesday in the journal Jama Dermatology by doctors from the Medical Trust Hospital in Cochin, Kerala.
Per their report, the 50-something patient’s hair-raising adventure was set in motion following a stroke, which paralyzed his left side, hindering his chewing, Live Science reported.
As a result, doctors put him on an all-liquid diet, whereupon after several months, his lollipop licker developed a layer of black hair.
Dermatologists subsequently took mucus samples, which revealed that he had a condition known as “black hairy tongue” (or lingua villosa nigra), where one’s filiform papillae — tiny conical protrusions on the tongue containing taste buds — become enlarged and discolored due to a buildup of debris and bacteria. This lends them the appearance of hairs, which can grow to nearly an inch long if the tongue is not regularly scraped.
The retch-worthy ailment — which most commonly affects adults over 40 — is often attributed to poor oral hygiene. However, LVN has also been linked to medications, including penicillin and tetracycline, certain brands of mouthwash, as well as tobacco and alcohol use.
It is suspected that the man’s diet of soft foods and liquids — which do not abrade the tongue’s surface like their hard counterparts — caused the condition.
And while this oral patina is generally harmless, the patient sought treatment after his tongue developed yellow stains due to food getting stuck in the fur.
Fortunately, doctors were able to trim these lingual locks. “The patient and caregivers were given advice regarding proper cleansing measures, and the discoloration resolved after 20 days,” per the case report.
I’ve also heard that stroking it can leave your palms black and hairy.
Dump of the Week
Florida man in porta-potty crushed to death by bulldozer
A Florida man has been crushed to death by a bulldozer while he was using a porta-potty, authorities said.
Aaron Henderson, 43, was killed on Friday afternoon at the North Central Landfill in Polk County where he worked as a traffic controller, the Polk County Sheriff’s Office said.
The freak accident unfolded as employees were putting away equipment and preparing to shut down the site for the day.
The bulldozer operator had been driving his rig up an embankment at the time, but his view was partially blocked by the machinery’s elevated blade.
As the driver reached level ground and turned the bulldozer, he heard a loud crumble and realized he had plowed over the porta-potty.
“He immediately exited the bulldozer and ran towards the porta-potty to see if anyone was inside of it,” the sheriff’s office said in a statement.
“At that time, he observed Henderson unresponsive inside the porta-potty.”
The victim was pronounced dead at the scene.
Henderson was a designated “spotter” at the landfill, which meant he was in charge of controlling the traffic of dump trucks coming in and out of the landfill.
That guy had one job.
Hump of the Week
Two men killed by camel that escaped from Tennessee petting zoo
Two men were killed by a rampaging camel that escaped from a petting zoo in Tennessee, according to local officials.
Bobby Matheny, 42, and Tommy Gunn, 67, both from The Volunteer State, died after they were cornered and attacked by the frenzied camel Thursday in Obion, roughly 100 miles northeast of Memphis.
The humped beast was killed by responding law enforcement officers.
The Obion County Sheriff’s Office got a call about a loose camel attacking people near the Shirley Farms petting Zoo at around 4:45 p.m., the department said in a statement.
When deputies arrived, they found the two unconscious victims and the unhinged creature on the loose. Several agencies were on the scene to provide aid and get the victims to safety.
As deputies moved one of the victims into an ambulance, the camel reappeared and attacked a sheriff’s office vehicle. Officers were forced to “put the camel down for the safety of everyone on the scene,” the statement said.
Matheny and Gunn succumbed to their injuries and were declared dead at the scene.
It’s not clear how the camel got loose.
A family member of one of the victims told WTVF that the two men had been at the farm to try and help capture the camel. The animal cornered them and attacked, stomping the men to death, the relative said.
This seems like a Kamala Harris metaphor.
Grope of the Week
Woman charged after allegedly groping another woman’s breast, buttocks without permission
Police say a woman has been charged after she allegedly groped another woman’s breast without consent.
Authorities say they received a report in January from a woman who said Starla Press also rubbed the woman’s buttocks without consent on another occasion.
Following an investigation, police say witnesses corroborated the victim’s report.
Press is now charged with one count of Indecent Assault without Consent, according to police.
I blame the patriarchy.
Dope of the Week
Spring Hill man calls 911 to ask if his meth is real
A Spring Hill man was arrested Thursday after he called 911 to ask if the methamphetamine he bought was real, according to deputies.
The Hernando County Sheriff’s Office said around 7 p.m., deputies were called to a home on Mariner Boulevard after Thomas Eugene Colucci , 41, called for someone to test his methamphetamine.
Colucci told the deputies that he bought the meth from a man whom he met a bar.
According to the sheriff’s office, Colucci tried some of the meth and thought it was actually bath salts. He said he was an “experienced drug user” who “knew what it should feel like.”
HCSO said Colucci handed the two bags of white meth over to a deputy for testing. Deputies said a field test confirmed both bags had methamphetamine inside them.
“Colucci told deputies he wanted his methamphetamine tested, as he did not want other people to purchase ‘fake’ methamphetamine from the individual who sold it to him,” the sheriff’s office said. “Colucci wanted deputies to ‘put the person in trouble’ for selling dangerous drugs; however, he was unable to provide a name or any contact info for this individual.”
While being arrested, Colucci told deputies he was had chest pains so they took him to a hospital to be medically cleared.
Colucci was charged for possession of methamphetamine and two counts of possession of drug paraphernalia.
How about one count of being a dumbass as well?
Turd of the Week
A British artist used his dog’s feces to paint a portrait of Russian President Vladimir Putin. Now, he says he’s received offers as high as $3,900 for the original artwork.
Dominic Murphy, who told Insider he’s worked as a professional artist for 20 years, said he came up with the idea to paint a portrait of Putin out of poop after feeling like he needed to do something to raise money for refugees of the Ukraine-Russia conflict.
“I started it because out of anger really, I thought ‘how could I get my frustration out of this,'” Murphy, 58, told Insider. “It’s quite an immature idea but it did the trick and I decided I would donate money to Ukraine and do some prints.”
Murphy, who is based in Welwyn Garden City in the UK, said painting “dark stuff” like President Putin out of poop is a “bit left-field” for him because his usual subject matter is “delicate watercolors of Alice and Wonderland and such like.”
In order to source the unique materials for the painting, Murphy said he didn’t have to look any further afield than droppings left by his family dog Sibyl in the garden.
“My thought process was basically what is the worst thing I could use as paint, and I thought maybe sick, but it’s obvious, it’s got to be poo,” Murphy said. “I’ve got a studio in the garden and my wife said can you come down and clear up some of the poo because the dog had pooed in the garden, and I thought, ‘Hm, I’ve got a ready-made paint there.”
And yet Hunter Biden’s paintings, which are much shittier, sell for 100k.
Fossil of the Week
Ten-armed prehistoric squid older than dinosaurs named after President Joe Biden
US President Joe Biden is the oldest man ever to enter the White House – but even so it seems a bit harsh to compare him to a 328 million-year-old squid.
Syllipsimopodi bideni is the oldest known member of the cephalopod family – a group of marine animals that includes the octopus as well as the squid.
It looks quite unlike your average calamari though, possessing ten tentacles instead of the eight that most modern cephalopods make do with.
Additional appendages would have made it a more efficient predator, say the team at the American Museum of Natural History in New York.
Dr Christopher Whalen, the lead author of the scientific paper that first described the fossil species, says he named the creature because he was “encouraged by the plans President Biden put forward to counter anthropogenic climate change, and his general sentiment that politicians should listen to scientists”.
Bideni was a primitive vampire squid. They‘re called vampires not because they drink blood but because of the dark flaps of tissue connecting their arms, which are thought to resemble Dracula’s cloak.
Imagine how much groping Joe could do with 10 arms.
Plop of the Week
Naked Clearwater man arrested for defecating on neighbor’s porch, deputies say
A Clearwater man was arrested Friday afternoon after he defecated on his neighbor’s porch, according to the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office.
An affidavit said Kenneth Clark Carlyle, 64, walked up to his next door neighbor’s porch completely naked at around 4:40 p.m. and defecated on an outdoor table.
Carlyle was in view of two security cameras during the incident, the affidavit added.
Deputies said they found Carlyle in his RV and spoke to him through his door while he was still naked and uncooperative.
Carlyle faces a charge of criminal mischief.
That’s a shitty neighbor.
Piss of the Week
Man shot while urinating behind dumpsters in North Nashville
Metro Police responded to shots fired in a North Nashville neighborhood on Monday night.
According to police, a man was urinating against some dumpsters behind the Hadley Park Towers when another man wearing a blue hoodie approached him from behind.
Police said the man in the hoodie said something to the man at the dumpsters, then pulled a gun and fired several shots at the man, striking him twice in the leg.
The injuries do not appear to be life-threatening, according to police. No further details were provided.
That’s how you get people to stop treating the world as their toilet.
Mug of the Week
Child Molestation Charges for Summerville Man
Clifford Eugene Hubbard, of Summerville, now faces charges of child molestation and aggravated child molestation, along with incest, statutory rape and sexual battery. Chattooga County Sheriff’s Office Investigator Jason Burrage stated the mistreatment apparently began back in 2016, and following years of constant abuse from Hubbard, the victim finally reached out to school officials for help and immediate response and care was provided as a result.
Investigator Burrage said that more than 90% of child sexual abuse is committed by someone known to the child and their family – he pointed out that children should be on the lookout for any behaviors which are concerning, inappropriate and/or unsafe, and report them to a trusted adult as soon as possible.
If only there was some way to know that this guy shouldn’t be around children.
Drinker of the Week
A Florida Man Hit By Vehicle Crashing Through Store Asks If His Beer Is OK
A 21 year old driver mistook the gas pedal for the brakes. She plowed into the entrance of a convenience store last night. Glass went flying. As the security camera footage shows, a poor guy just shopping for some beer gets nailed.
First responders were shocked when the guy who was hit had one primary concern: was his beer okay? They say he was in good… spirits. He was taken the hospital to get checked out. They say he had injuries to his face from glass that went flying. But other than that, he is expected to recover. No word on the condition of that beer.
The incident happened at Plantation Pantry on Hutchinson Island, which is just north of West Palm Beach.
It looks like he had a 12 of Bud Light, so no, his beer is not okay.
Drunk of the Week
Girl Tells Police Her Mother is “Drunk” Before DUI Arrest
A Coral Springs woman was arrested for driving under the influence with her daughter in the car after the girl told police her mom was “drunk,” court records show.
Jessica Lumsdon, 34, of Pompano Beach, was driving a black Jeep Wrangler on March 5 when Coral Springs Police officers saw her speeding and driving erratically in the 9900 block of West Sample Road, according to an arrest affidavit.
Police pulled Lumsdon over in the parking lot of the Windsor Castle apartments, 3400 Coral Springs Drive, but when an officer stepped out of his patrol car, Lumsdon allegedly kept driving, records show.
Once the Jeep stopped, Lumsdon allegedly failed to comply with the officer’s orders and showed signs she had been drinking alcohol, according to police.
At one point, Lumsdon’s daughter whispered to a police officer that her mother was “drunk,” the affidavit states. The girl’s age was not listed in court records.
Lumsdon also failed a field sobriety test, at which point she was arrested, police said.
After being taken into custody, Lumsdon became “irate and aggressive,” pulling away from officers while her hands were bound with handcuffs, records show.
“Once placed in a patrol car, she began thrashing around, kicking and spitting in the patrol car,” an officer wrote. “Jessica also vomited in the back of my patrol car, leaving a strong odor of alcohol in my patrol vehicle.”
Later, when police tried to give Lumsdon a breath test, she told an officer: “F— you, eat my a-ss, I ain’t doing none of that s—,” the affidavit states.
She also called an officer a “cracker” and told him “suck my d—,” among other vulgar terms, records show.
Later, according to the affidavit, she spit on an officer’s cheek, telling him: “I’ll spit on your face p—- cracker. Tell the judge that. And f— the judge too.”
Her daughter is about to find out that snitches get stitches.
WTF? of the Week
Serial killer, 83, eyed in case of dismembered body found in Brooklyn
An 83-year-old serial killer who spent the bulk of her life behind bars for killing two ex-girlfriends is being eyed in the murder of another woman whose dismembered body turned up in Brooklyn last week, The Post has learned.
Harvey Marcelin, who identifies as a transgender woman, was charged last week with concealment of a human corpse after she was allegedly caught on surveillance video dumping human remains near her apartment, according to sources and court records.
A search warrant turned up “a human head” in Marcelin’s home in Cypress Hills, according to a criminal complaint, and sources said cops also recovered electric saws she bought at Home Depot.
The grisly case unfolded last week when the torso of Susan Layden, 68, was recovered from an abandoned shopping cart at the corner of Pennsylvania and Atlantic avenues — less than a block from Marcelin’s apartment, sources said.
A few days later, Layden’s leg was discovered a few blocks north, sources said, adding that her arm is still missing.
The twice-convicted killer could face fresh murder charges in Layden’s death, authorities said — adding to her already disturbing criminal history.
The octogenarian spent more than 50 years in state prison on murder and manslaughter convictions dating to 1963, state prison records show.
That rap stemmed from the April 18, 1963, shooting death of her live-in girlfriend, Jacqueline Bonds, inside the couple’s Manhattan apartment, according to sources.
Marcelin snapped, shooting Bond three times when she said she was leaving her, sources said.
Marcelin was sentenced to 20 years to life that same year but was freed on lifetime parole in May 1984, state prison records show.
The killer was free for less than a year before she was busted again for fatally stabbing another live-in girlfriend — stuffing her body into a bag she’d dumped on the street near Central Park, sources and court records said.
She was convicted of first-degree manslaughter in that case in 1986 and sentenced to a six-to-12-year term in prison.
Marcelin was denied parole several times, sources said, and admitted at one hearing that she had “a problem with women.”
More like a problem with being a woman.
