The reality of Joe Biden’s presidency is so WTF? that he created a 1984-style Ministry of Truth to crush all dissenting opinions. Here’s some other WTF? that could use Big Brother to make it go away:
Headline of the Week
Pet duck cracks case after finding ‘makeshift grave’ with grandmother’s body inside
A pet duck led murder investigators to the decomposing remains of a missing 92-year-old grandmother, police said.
The duck’s efforts saw Mark Alan Barnes and Angela Lucille Wamsley charged in the death of Nellie Lucille Sullivan, who is Wamsley’s grandmother, in Candler, North Carolina, US.
The water fowl, a pet belonging to the new renters who currently occupy the charged couple’s former trailer, ran underneath the mobile home, leading investigators to a makeshift grave underneath.
“If I could give that duck a medal, I would,” Buncombe County Sheriff’s Sgt. Mark Walker said after recovering the remains of the deceased Nellie Lucille Sullivan.
“Apparently, the duck ran underneath the trailer at 11 Beady Eyed Lane and as they were chasing after their pet duck, they ran across the container that Nellie Sullivan was located in,” he added.
The investigation, which dates back to December 2020, had been a “wild goose chase” up until that point, he added.
Don’t they mean the duck quacked the case?
Dick of the Week
University midwife students taught to care for men giving birth ‘through their penis’
A British university is teaching its midwifery students how to care for males giving birth.
Feminism news website Reduxx revealed teaching materials from Edinburgh Napier University which state the person giving birth may still have “external male genitalia” after transitioning.
The skills workbook on “catherization” informs students the person giving birth may be a male.
The workbook also adds a trans person who has transition from female to male could give birth through a specially constructed penis.
An Edinburgh Napier University spokesman said it aims to be inclusive for people in the LGBTQ+ communities and will update teacher materials where required.
When inclusion becomes more important than science.
Tranny of the Week
Drunk man claims to ‘identify as a truck’ to get served at McDonald’s Drive Thru
A drunk man insisted he ‘identified as a truck’ in an attempt to order food at a McDonald’s drive-thru after a night out.
Kevin OHara, 32, from Fife, had been out celebrating his partner’s birthday before visiting the fast food chain on the way home only to find it was closed for walk-ins.
Undeterred, he attempted to place an order for a Big Mac at the drive-thru speaker but was asked by the worker to leave as he ‘has to be in a car’ to be served.
He then began to make engine revving sounds but was told McDonald’s does not accept pretend cars.
The drunk and hungry man then announced he ‘identifies as a truck’ prompting the worker to respond: ‘Identify as whatever you want, but you’re not in a vehicle.’
Kevin said: ‘When I was making the car noises I was just thinking, “How can I convince this guy to give me a Big Mac?” I was hungry. I had to convince him I was a truck.
‘In this day and age, with people saying they’re identifying as something they may or may not be, I thought, “If I can tell this guy I’m a truck then maybe he’ll serve me.”‘
Despite being left hungry, the dad-of-one said he hasn’t written off the McDonald’s but will be sure to return in a vehicle next time.
However, he believes he should have been served the burger for his theatrical efforts.
This is as scientifically sound as men giving birth through their penises.
Pussy of the Week
Old man in JB rapes cat to death at children’s playground
A 63-year-old man in Malaysia raped a cat in a playground in Johor Bahru, and the cat died as a result.
It was at around 4:30am on April 16 that the unemployed man from Sarawak forced himself on the cat in the Taman Ungku Tun Aminah housing area at a children’s playground in Skudai, Johor.
In the Sessions Court in Johor Bahru on Tuesday, Janting Keling pleaded guilty to having unnatural intercourse with a cat, causing its death.
Janting did not deny the charges read to him in front of Judge Fatimah Zahari, which stated that he had carnal intercourse against the order of nature.
He was charged under Section 377 of Malaysia’s Penal Code, which carries a possible jail term of 20 years and a fine or whipping. Because he is older than 50, he is unlikely to be whipped.
Let the punishment fit the crime: Give a tiger a crack at his asshole and see what happens.
Freak of the Week
Plastic surgery obsessive goes ‘wild’ in bikini that barely covers XL boobs
A plastic surgery obsessive who has had a whopping five boob jobs in the search for her dream figure shared a jaw dropping snap on Instagram recently.
Tara Jayne McConarchy, who lives in Melbourne and calls herself a “human Barbie doll”, unleashed her curves on Instagram in a tiny leopard print bikini.
The surgery fan’s XL breasts were barely covered by the skimpy swimwear, but her fans loved the extreme look.
Tara, who has also styled herself as the “plastic surgery Queen” has spent a whopping $200,000 AUD (around £110,000) on her appearance over the years.
Working as a cosmetics nurse she’s had lip fillers, multiple boob jobs, butt implants, six nose jobs and plenty of filler.
She has also admitted that she weighs just 99lbs – that’s around 7st.
Take away her lips and boobs and she probably only weighs about 50 pounds.
Ass of the Week
Woman charged for allegedly stabbing man at urinal in the buttocks
A 41-year-old Maumee woman was arrested Friday for allegedly stabbing a man while he used a urinal.
According to the Toledo Police Department report, Shahnaz Ali is accused of entering a restroom and stabbing a man with a knife or other sharp object in the buttocks while he was using a urinal at Leroy and Margaret’s Suds and Grub.
When police arrived, the report says they saw the victim, a male in his mid-forties “standing at a urinal in the bathroom with two visible stab wounds on his right buttock.”
In the statement he gave to police, the victim says he was “attempting to urinate when an unknown female entered the restroom behind him and stabbed him twice” before fleeing the scene.
His wounds required stitches.
Toledo police say they were eventually able to find and arrest the suspect at her apartment in Maumee, with the help of Maumee police, because the victim got a picture of her car before she drove from the scene.
After Ali was arrested, police searched her entire apartment and took pictures of notable items.
The Ass Jihad has begun.
Shit of the Week
New details have emerged about Lacey Ellen Fletcher’s medical condition as the coroner estimated that she sat on the couch for 12 years, eventually becoming fused to it.
Police were called to Lacey’s Slaughter, Louisiana, home on January 3 after her parents called 911 to report that their daughter wasn’t breathing, East Feliciana Parish Coroner Dr Ewell Dewitt Bickham III said.
Cops came across a strong stench when they entered the house. They found Lacey sitting in a hole worn into the couch’s upholstery and foam padding.
She weighed only 96 pounds.
“The scene was sickening,” Dr Bickham told DailyMail.com.
He said that Lacey was partially naked and covered “from head to toe” in urine, feces, and insect bites.
Lacey reportedly suffered from Locked-in Syndrome, a rare neurological disorder that involves complete paralysis of all voluntary muscles except for those that control movements of the eyes.
Individuals who suffer from the condition are bedridden and completely reliant on caregivers, according to The National Organization for Rare Disorders.
The organization said they remain conscious and awake and cognitive function is usually unaffected.
The coroner said it appeared that Lacey had not seen a physician in 20 years. She had bed sores that went all the way down to her bone and severe ulcers were found on her underside, Bickham said.
She was also reportedly suffering from bacterial infections and tested positive for Covid.
“The parents were in the kitchen,” Bickham said of the day Lacey was found.
“They did not have an explanation.”
Shit happens?
Piss of the Week
Drunken Scot urinated on child and shouted at flock of sheep
A topless Scots man brought the A9 dual carriageway to a standstill by staggering drunkenly across the road to berate a flock of sheep.
Thomas Degnan hurled abuse at the sheep after collapsing in the central reservation as numerous drivers were forced to swerve or stop to avoid hitting him.
The 42-year-old also urinated on the side of a car and then opened the vehicle door and continued to do so onto a nine-year-old boy sitting in the back.
Perth Sheriff Court was told that Degnan was so drunk that he had no recollection of the incident or why he decided to target a field full of sheep.
Fiscal depute Bill Kermode told the court Degnan had stormed out of his car after an argument with his partner Amanda Dunn while they were at a filling station near Gleneagles.
“Staff at the filling station contacted police because he was shouting at her. He went to the rear of a car and urinated. Whilst continuing to urinate he walked round and opened a door,” Mr Kermode said.
Degnan urinated on the shocked child in the car and the vehicle was driven away by the child’s mother. Degnan then staggered into the petrol station shop.
“It became obvious he was under the influence. He was shouting incoherently before returning to the forecourt,” Mr Kermode said.
“He then stumbled onto the A9, causing vehicles to swerve, slow down and stop. He made his way to the central reservation before falling to the ground.
“He then stood up and began crossing back to the filling station. He again caused vehicles to take evasive action. A staff member began to signal drivers to slow down to avoid an accident.
“The police attended and found the accused topless and shouting at sheep. He was extremely under the influence and struggled to walk and speak to the police.”
When he was quizzed about his bizarre behaviour, Degnan said: I don’t remember.”
Piss happens?
Mom of the Week
Woman driving drunk with pants down enters plea
A Wichita Falls mother police said was driving around the Walmart parking lot intoxicated with her pants down and the kids in the car was sentenced on Friday.
Tamika Brianne Garrett, 32, plead guilty to driving while intoxicated with a child under 15 years of age in the car. She was placed on probation for three years with numerous restrictions and requirements.
According to authorities, Garrett had driven over a sign and then continued driving around the parking lot.
When police arrived on the scene, they said Garrett was in the passenger seat with her pants down around her ankles and her children, age 2 and 5, in the back seat.
Authorities asked Garrett to turn off the car and put the keys on the dashboard, but she tossed the keys out.
Officers said Garrett claimed her husband was driving the car and was inside shopping, despite witnesses telling police Garrett was behind the wheel and there was no other adult in the car.
Garrett’s husband also arrived at the scene and denied driving and told officers his wife had been drinking a brown liquor earlier.
Officers said when Garrett got out, she kept falling against the side of the car. They attempted a field sobriety test but said she could not stay on her feet.
And what about the pants or lack thereof?
Mulligan of the Week
Delray Beach man in golf cart shoots dog-walker, beats him with clubs
It was Sunday just before 7 p.m. when the peaceful quiet on the 15th hole of the Kings Point Golf Course was shattered by the sound of gunshots and retirees watching from their balconies were shocked to see a 74-year-old man shooting at a dog-walking neighbor.
Deputies arrived to find Herbert Merritt, 64, lying on the ground, a “gunshot wound to his left ankle,” according to a Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office arrest report.
Nearby, they found Robert Levine, with a “black semi-automatic handgun in his front left pocket.”
Merritt told deputies he was walking his dog on the grass next to the golf course when Levine rode up in his golf cart and “Levine… began causing a verbal altercation with him due to having his dog on the golf course… He then began shooting at him while Merritt was running away.”
Levine chased Merritt around a tree while continuing to shoot – Merritt said he shot about five rounds at him, according to the report and witnesses.
Merritt told deputies he had never seen Levine before, did nothing to provoke him and “he felt that Levine was trying to kill him.”
Witnesses told deputies they saw Levine kick Merritt in the head, go back to his cart and get a club and begin beating Merrit with the club while holding the gun in his left hand. Deputies said they found shell casings on the ground and two golf clubs with what appeared to be blood on them.
Merritt was taken to the hospital with non-life-threatening injuries from being shot and beaten and Levine is apparently still in the hospital for unrelated reasons.
Levine is charged with attempted first-degree murder and other charges.
Levine was charged with 5 strokes on a par 1, scoring him a quadruple-bogey.
Stogie of the Week
Florida man kills mother after she told him not to smoke in the house
A 19-year-old Lake Wales man was arrested Thursday in the shooting death of his mother, according to Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd.
Seth Settle, 19, faces second-degree murder charge in Polk County
Judd discussed the homicide at a news conference…
Thursday morning, when Settle was confronted by his mother for smoking a cigar in their house, Judd said the teen shot the door after his mother closed it, sending a bullet through her heart.
Settle ran away without calling 911, Judd said, leaving that to his 24-year-old brother who found their 52-year-old mother unresponsive. A police response was canceled due to EMS’s determination that it was a medical event because no wound nor blood was initially found, Judd said.
“Only later when they’re preparing to move mom did one of the nurses notice all of a sudden there’s a small amount of blood. And in fact, what happened, she was shocked,” Judd said. “The medical examiner did the investigation this morning and what he determined, this in-and-out wound went directly through her heart, her heart immediately quit beating, so there was no blood to pump out.”
Settle was arrested and taken to the sheriff’s office, where Judd said he confessed to the shooting, yet “colored the event in his best interest.”
“He said that ‘Mom opened the door to get onto me about smoking and I was holding a gun to my head and she told me to put the cigar out and close the door and the gun accidentally discharged.’ We don’t believe that,” Judd said.
If the gun was to his head and just went off, wouldn’t he be dead?
Joe of the Week
‘Joe Biden is dead and being impersonated by Hollywood star’ claims conspiracy theorist
US President Joe Biden is dead and is being played by “several different people” including The Mask star Jim Carrey, a bizarre conspiracy theory has claimed.
Speaking to Jason Selvig from satirical news organisation The Good Liars, the woman claimed that Mr Biden was dead, and the fact that he had been seen to stumble on the stairs leading up to Air Force One was evidence, in her mind, that the president was being played by Hollywood star Jim Carrey at that point.
“The guy that’s doing the stand-up job of trying to wake people up, is an actor wearing a mask,” the woman insisted, adding “I mean, there are several different people playing Joe Biden at this point”.
Carrey – best known for his work in Dumb And Dumber and Ace Ventura: Pet Detective – was “being silly by falling up the stairs three different times” while wearing a convincing Biden mask, she said.
Like Jim Carrey, Joe Biden is known to talk out of his ass so this seems plausible.
Dump of the Week
Woman rescued after falling in toilet trying to get phone
A woman who accidentally dropped her cellphone into the hole of an outhouse in a national forest and fell in while trying to retrieve it had to be rescued by firefighters in Washington state.
Brinnon Fire Department Chief Tim Manly said the woman, who was at the top of Mount Walker in the Olympic National Forest northwest of Seattle, had been using her phone when it fell into the toilet on Tuesday…
Manly said she disassembled the toilet seat and used dog leashes to try and get the phone and eventually used the leashes to tie herself off as she reached for it. That effort failed and she fell into the toilet headfirst.
“They didn’t work very well and in she went,” Manly said.
The woman was alone and tried to get out for 10 to 15 minutes. Reunited with her phone, she called 911, Manly said.
Responding firefighters passed her blocks to stand on to reach a harness, which they used to pull her out of the vault. The Brinnon Fire Department said the woman said she was uninjured.
She was washed down and “strongly encouraged to seek medical attention after being exposed to human waste, but she only wanted to leave,” the department said.
She did get some solid selfies, though.
WTF? of the Week
Man claiming to be Jesus kisses minor in Florida gym locker room
A man who says he was Jesus Christ in another life is accused of forcibly kissing a juvenile in the locker room of a Pinellas County gym.
According to an arrest report, James Thompson, 39, of Dunedin, approached an underage boy in the locker room of the Crunch Fitness located at 2591 SR 580 in Clearwater shortly after 7:30 p.m. on Monday.
Police say Thompson began speaking with the minor about love and being a vegan. He then intentionally kissed the victim on the lips against his will, according to the arrest affidavit.
The arrest report states that the victim tried to walk past Thompson and get away from him, but Thompson, who is more than 100 pounds larger than the victim, used his body to block the boy from leaving.
Police say post-Miranda, Thompson admitted that he did kiss the boy, and several witnesses saw the incident. However, Thompson could not say whether he trapped him in the locker room, according to the affidavit.
Thompson is facing charges of simple battery and false imprisonment.
But none of the witnesses thought to help this poor kid out?
