It’s Memorial Day weekend, the traditional kickoff to summer, so here’s the official Def-Con News summer playlist of tasty WTF? jams:
“Love Hurts” – Nazareth
Man hears ‘snap’ during sex, winds up in hospital with ‘triple penis fracture’
A man in Tanzania was sent to the hospital after hearing a “snap” during sex with his female partner.
The loud snap occurred “when the penis slipped out, lost the way” and struck the woman “as he was trying to reinsert it,” doctors reported in the International Journal of Surgery Case Reports.
By the time the unlucky man arrived at the hospital, his penis — no longer erect — was swollen, painful and bloody.
Though the penis contains no bones, it’s referred to as “fractured” when its fibrous connective tissue, called the tunica albuginea, is injured or ruptured.
An MRI revealed that the man had injured his penis in three places along the tunica albuginea: in the pair of erectile tissue bodies known as the corpora cavernosa and in another area called the corpus spongiosum.
Additionally, he had sustained a partial tear through the urethra, the tube that carries semen and urine out of the penis.
Like most men who seek treatment for penis fracture, the patient from Tanzania promptly had surgery on his penis. Within three days he was discharged from the hospital, and a catheter in his urethra was removed after 21 days.
“He was seen at the clinic six month post-operative where he reported to have resumed his sexual life with no any difficulties and the penile shaft looked OK,” his doctors reported.
He hit the trifecta of broke dicks.
“Sultans of Swing” – Dire Straits
Pembroke Pines man accused of ‘swinging’ penis in front of mom, daughters outside Walmart
Pembroke Pines police arrested a man Friday who was accused of exposing himself to a mother and her two daughters in the parking lot of a Walmart, authorities said.
Authorities said Eric Joseph Haley, 20, is facing one count of exposure of sexual organs and two counts of lewd and lascivious exhibition.
According to a police report, Haley approached the mother and her two daughters in the parking lot of a Walmart, located at 151 SW 184th Ave., as the mother was placing groceries into her vehicle.
Detectives said Haley had his cellphone in one hand while holding and swinging his penis that was out of his pants in his other hand.
Police said Haley committed the act openly in front of the mother and her daughters who are both under the age of 16.
But it would have been fine if he did that in front of a Target.
“Tiny Dancer” – Elton John
Ex-Georgia deputy gets life in prison for killing married lover who insulted his penis size
A disgraced former Georgia sheriff’s deputy has been sentenced to life in prison for shooting his married girlfriend in the back of the head after she belittled his penis size.
Jason “Moose” Cunningham, 48, formerly with the Richmond County Sheriff’s Office, pleaded guilty to malice murder and possession of a firearm during the commission of a felony for the cold-blooded June 2020 killing of 37-year-old Nicole Harrington, reported the station WJBF.
Cunningham told investigators that he shot Harrington, his girlfriend and a married mom of three, in the back of the head at least once after she “insult[ed] the size of his manhood,” according to a statement from the Augusta District Attorney’s Office.
Cunningham then left the woman to die in a parking garage elevator in downtown Augusta.
Following the killing, the ex-deputy was involved in an eight-hour standoff with cops at Clarks Hill Lake before being arrested.
On Monday, Cunningham was sentenced to 35 years to life in prison on the murder charge, and another five years for the weapons count.
According to an affidavit obtained by the station WRDW, Cunningham told detectives that he had gone to the parking garage at the Augusta Convention Center around 6 a.m. June 18, 2020, to meet his paramour in order to end their affair.
During the conversation, Cunningham and Harrington got into a heated argument, which escalated to homicidal violence after the woman reportedly took a dig at her lover’s penis.
Cunningham said Harrington was loud and he “didn’t know what to do,” so he shot his girlfriend in the head as she entered the elevator.
“This was an extramarital affair in which the defendant was living a double life,” District Attorney Jared Williams said.
Ex-law enforcement officer with a tiny dong should be a hit in the prison shower.
“I Can See Clearly Now” – Johnny Nash
Women ‘quite clearly’ can have a penis, says Lib Dem leader Ed Davey
Sir Ed Davey has said that women “quite clearly” can have a penis.
The leader of the Liberal Democrats made the comment during an interview with LBC, when he was asked by a caller whether he could name “what a woman” is.
“There’s a small number of people who, actually, they have a tough time. They’re harassed, they’re discriminated against; real, serious mental health issues, and I think we need to debate this with a bit more maturity and a bit more compassion,” Sir Ed said.
He was then asked by host Nick Ferrari if a “woman can have a penis” and replied: “quite clearly”.
He doesn’t know what a woman is and has no idea what “clearly” means either.
“One Bitten, Twice Shy” – Great White
Madhya Pradesh woman bites husband’s genitals after he scolds her
In a bizarre case, a woman bit her husband’s genitals after he scolded her in Morena.
Raghuraj Kushwaha, a resident of Ummedgarh Bansi village under Jaura tehsil, reached the SP office on Wednesday to lodge a complaint against his wife’s unruly behaviour.
According to the information, Kushwaha, told SP Shailendra Singh Chauhan that he got married to Rajkumari alias Lakshmi a few years ago. Since the marriage, his wife would call unknown people in the house every day. Despite explaining to her that it is not right to invite strangers, she wouldn’t listen. On the contrary, she threatened him and his family members to implicate them in a false case.
The victim, youth Raghuraj said that his wife once lodged a fake case of molestation against his 75-year-old father Kalyan Singh. And whenever his family members tried to scold her for her misdeeds, she would immediately call 100. When one day he reprimanded her over this unruly behaviour, Rajkumari bit his genitals with her teeth.
Was he reprimanding her with his genitals? How did this happen?
“Beating Around the Bush” – AC/DC
Giant gold genitals erected at Buddhist temple to honor ‘origin of life’
Thai Buddhists took golden idle worship to another level after praying at the altar of a giant gilded vagina, which was recently greenlit by authorities following some minor alterations.
“We do ceremonies here to provide remedies for misfortunes,” creator Naowaratkotchaporn Simethawong told Viral Press of the unorthodox hole-y site at a Buddhist shrine in the Nakhon Ratchasima province.
The cultist, Buddhist nun, affectionately known as Mother Brahmin, built the salacious statue so women could increase their fertility and “fortune,” as well as atone for “sinful” acts such as abortion.
Accompanying footage shows the 4-foot tall golden vagina, which is anatomically sound and ringed by eight smaller vulvas.
The nether-regional place of worship has soared in popularity with devout followers making pilgrimages from all over to pray for luck, fecundity, beauty and help finding Mr. Right.
“I believe that we should pay respect to the genitals because they represent the origin of life and abundance in the world,” declared Mother Brahmin. “It is not strange or unusual.”
Yeah, it actually is.
“Say It Loud – I’m Black and I’m Proud” James Brown
$40K worth of boneless chicken breasts stolen in SC, deputies say
A suspect is wanted for his involvement in stealing boneless chicken breasts worth approximately $40,000, according to deputies.
The Sumter County Sheriff’s Office is investigating the grand larceny, which occurred on May 9 at Pilgrim’s Pride.
Deputies said suspect Jeremy McFadden may be driving a Toyota Corolla with SC tag 6354MK or a GMC Yukon with SC tag 567NS.
Anyone with information on McFadden’s whereabouts is asked to call 911.
Not all stereotypes are baseless
“Brass In Pocket” – The Pretenders.
Man shoots roommate in buttocks over Hot Pocket, police say
A man in Kentucky as been jailed after allegedly shooting his roommate in the buttocks after he ate the last Hot Pocket in the freezer, according to police.
The Smoking Gun reported that Clifton Williams, 64, and his roommate got into an argument after the Hot Pocket was consumed on Saturday, May 10th.
According to the Louisville Metro Police Department, the victim said Williams “got mad he ate the last Hot Pocket and began throwing things at him.”
The victim told police he tried to fight back and then started to leave when Williams went back into the residence, in the 1000 block of Hathaway Avenue, and returned with a gun.
According to the police report, “Williams shot him in the ass while he was trying to leave.” The victim was able to find help a few blocks away, after the shooting.
Williams was arrested and charged with 2nd Degree Felony Assault.
Was it the Philly Steak & Cheese, because those ones a f*ckin’ awesome.
“You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’” – The Righteous Brothers
Man who left bar to urinate by pond loses arm in alligator attack
A Florida man who stepped outside of a bar to pee by a pond early Sunday morning has lost an arm after being attacked by an alligator.
Jordan Rivera said that he left the bar in Fort Myers because he had to go, and the lines for the bathroom were too long for him to wait. Rivera said as he walked toward the pond, “something happened where I either tripped or the ground below me just went down.”
“I ended up in the water,” he said. “And that’s literally the last thing I remember.”
When he woke up, he was in a hospital with his right arm “completely gone from his upper elbow.”
“It kind of feels like my arm is just there, but not there,” he said. “It was just the craziest thing. It’s almost out of a movie.”
Now I understand the phrase “patience is a virtue.”
“What’s New Pussycat?” – Tom Jones
Florida man dressed in cat costume accused of stabbing roommate’s neck
A Florida man is behind bars on a $1 million bond after authorities said he stabbed his roommate in the neck while dressed as a cat.
Deputies were called to a home in Northwest Gainesville Tuesday evening where a man called 911 to report that his roommate had stabbed him in the neck.
When officers arrived, they forced their way into the home where they found the victim “seriously bleeding from the neck.”
Minutes later, 32-year-old Omar Gutierrez, dressed tip to tail in a cat costume, came out with his hands up.
The victim was rushed to an area hospital for treatment. According to WCJB, the victim said he asked Gutierrez why he stabbed him, to which Gutierrez responded, “It was instinctual.”
“Our sheriff and the many members of this team commend these deputies for their lifesaving acts as they stopped at nothing to ensure that the victim was treated and that the suspect in this incident was apprehended,” Captain Chris Sims said.
He added that the sheriff’s office “exchanged Gutierrez’s cat costume for a green and white striped jumpsuit.”
His cat-like reflexes are to blame.
“Heard It On The X” -ZZ Top
Florida man allegedly tries to break into home after wildly fleeing motel ‘ghost’
A crazed Florida man who thought he saw a “ghost” at a motel ran wild through Daytona Beach on Tuesday and wound up trying to break into a home while screaming “Help me!” and getting arrested for burglary, cops said.
Andrew George, 38, and his companion Natasha Kachuroi, 36, had gotten a room at a Travel Inn shortly before the outburst — but demanded a refund when they heard the bathroom window opening, WKMG reported.
The couple believed a “shadow” was following them, so they fled toward Beach Street, according to court records cited by the outlet.
As they ran around the parking lot at the Halifax Marina, George fell into the water.
His companion helped him out and they then sprinted to a business at 432 S. Beach St.
Kachuroi banged on the door and George picked up a chair to smash a window — crying for help and making a ruckus that woke up the residents of 426 S. Beach St.
A woman living there saw the couple on the front porch of the business, where Kachuroi said, “Please help me!”
George then allegedly ran toward the resident, who ran back inside, locked her door, grabbed a knife and threatened to use it on him as he banged on the door, the document cited by WKMG states.
Meanwhile, Kachuroi tried to stop the unhinged man as another resident called 911.
When police arrived, they found George lying on the gound, covered in blood and crying out in pain, according to the report.
It was unclear how he was injured.
He told investigators that he and Kachuroi fled from the motel because he believed a “ghost” wanted to harm him — and said he was unable to enter the business “due to God telling him (Kachuroi) was a bad person to hang out with.”
George also told police he decided not to enter the home because he heard kids’ voices and he didn’t want to scare them.
He blamed his “bad choices” that night on ecstasy.
He probably just got a little spooked.
“Old Time Rock & Roll” – Bob Seger
President Joe Biden praises Nancy Pelosi for rescuing the economy in the Great Depression
BIDEN: Nancy Pelosi “helped rescue the economy in the Great Depression.” pic.twitter.com/HMDnXfM0yB
— Townhall.com (@townhallcom) May 23, 2023
This video clip is a few days old, but it’s still a winner. President Joe Biden was an honored guest at a gala for Emily’s List, which works to elect Democrat birthing persons. Biden and Nancy Pelosi are the same age, so it’s no wonder that Biden remembers when Pelosi helped rescue the economy during the Great Depression of 1929.
She’s certainly old enough, but it’s still a Biden lie.
