Today is July 7 or as is more commonly known; 7-11 Day. Next to the cancellation of the 4th of July, missing out on free Slurpees is the biggest WTF? of the coronavirus lockdown. Here’s some other major disappointments:
Headline of the Week
Nintendo Of America Originally Wanted Pikachu To Be “A Tiger With Huge Breasts”
It’s hard to imagine a world without Pikachu in it at this point – the cuddly little critter has been an ever-present star for both The Pokémon Company and Nintendo since the late ’90s – but its design could have been significantly different here in the west if Nintendo of America had had its way.
An interview with The Pokémon Company president Tsunekazu Ishihara, recently shared and translated by Dr. Lava in collaboration with Did You Know Gaming?, reveals that Nintendo had some pretty out-there ideas for how Pikachu should look to please a western audience. Deeming the original design “too cute”, Nintendo of America staff submitted their own designs. Thank goodness they weren’t accepted.
Tsunekazu Ishihara: “The first time we showed off some Pokémon in the US, we were told they were ‘too cute’. The staff in America submitted their ideas for replacement designs, but we just couldn’t believe the kind of stuff they were proposing.
“They turned Pikachu into something like a tiger with huge breasts. It looked like a character from the musical Cats. When I asked ‘how is this supposed to be Pikachu??’ they said, ‘Well look, there’s its tail right there’… Seriously, that was the kind of stuff being proposed.”
Pika-boob. I see yoob.
Runner Up Headline of the Week
I bet they do.
Dick X of the Week
Johnny Depp allegedly threatened to cut off Elon Musk’s penis after learning of alleged affair
Johnny Depp allegedly threatened to cut off Elon Musk‘s penis because he believed his then-wife Amber Heard was having an affair with the billionaire — whom he nicknamed “Mollusk” in explosive text messages, according to a report.
Text messages from the “Pirates of the Caribbean” actor were read in London court Friday as part of his defamation case against The Sun.
“Let’s see if Mollusk has a pair, comes to see me face-to-face,” Depp allegedly wrote, referring to the Tesla founder… “I will show him things he’s never seen before, like the other side of his d–k when I slice it off.”
Musk has denied having an affair with Heard. The two dated for about a year after she split with Depp.
Whoever Heard of such a thing?
Dick Why of the Week
Florida man arrested for exposing himself in Burlington Coat Factory
A Florida man was arrested Wednesday after he was caught on camera walking around a Burlington Coat Factory with his penis exposed.
According to NBC affiliate WFLA, 37-year-old Derek Hardison was seen on surveillance video walking around the Seminole department store with his penis out.
An 11-year-old child saw Hardison walk through the toy section, according to the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office.
The child told their parent, who then notified law enforcement, WFLA reported.
Investigators said Hardison left his Nissan pick-up, which they later used to find and identify him as the man in the surveillance video.
Hardison was charged with lewd and lascivious exhibition…
It would make perfect sense if he was doing this in the flasher coat section, but this is an outrage.
Clam Bake of the Week
Female artist faces prison in Russia for ‘spreading pornography’ with vagina drawings
A feminist activist in Russia is facing prison for ‘spreading pornography’ after sharing cartoon drawings of female bodies and vaginas to promote body positivity.
Yulia Tsvetkova, 27, an artist and activist from the far-eastern city of Komsomolsk-on-Amur, could face a jail term of two to six years for distributing the artistic impressions on the VK social media platform in a group called ‘Vagina Monologues’.
The group was intended to ‘remove the stigma around the vagina and female physiology as a whole’ by sharing artwork, including a series of cartoons by Ms Tsvetkova captioned ‘Real women have hair on their bodies — and that’s normal’, ‘Real women have body fat and that’s normal’ and ‘Real women have their periods and that’s normal’.
Women from around the world have taken a stand to support Ms Tsvetkova by sharing photos of themselves or their own drawings of the female body – many captioning the images ‘my body is not pornography’.
Following a six-month investigation into the social media group Ms Tsvetkova is under strict travel restrictions while awaiting trial in her home city for pornography charges.
She also faces charges of spreading ‘homosexual propaganda’ for her work as an LGBTQ+ activist.
Real women also have mouths. She can beat these charges simply because she sucks at drawing.
Chakra Khan of the Week
Two acupuncturists said they were working on chakras. The state called it molestation
An acupuncturist in Coral Springs and one in Pinellas Park have had their licenses restricted for molesting female patients, the Florida Department of Health says.
Coral Springs’ Sergio Garcia and Pinellas Park’s Stephen Belmore each claimed he was helping his female patient’s chakra.
Belmore’s emergency restriction order (ERO) says on Jan. 3, a 36-year-old woman came to his Blue Dragon Healing Center suffering from chronic migraines and pain. During her appointments, she wore a gown and underwear.
On Jan. 13, 16 and 20, the ERO reads, Belmore “touched (her) vaginal area over her underwear with his hand.” The ERO says he went farther on Jan. 23 by sliding his finger under her underwear and “penetrated her vagina.”
His explanation when she demanded one the next day: “Dr. Belmore told (her) he touched her vagina to help her release tension and energy since she did not have a romantic partner.”
“Dr. Belmore stated that on Jan. 23, 2020, he “observed” that (his patient) had a lot of sexual energy in the reproductive area,” the ERO said. “Dr. Belmore admitted that he attempted to “ground (her) chakra” and digitally penetrated her vagina, but claimed that it was the result of “accidental slippage.” Dr. Belmore admitted that he provided similar treatment to other patients in the past and similar incidents have happened.”
Garcia’s ERO says on April 24 after putting needles in the patient, whom he had remove her pants, he told her “he was providing a tantric massage and massaged (her) vaginal and breast areas.”
The ERO says Garcia twice put a finger inside his patient’s vagina without permission.
“Dr. Garcia told (her) he was removing blockages in (her) chakras, then kissed her on the forehead,” the ERO reads.
Apparently acupuncture isn’t as accurate as the name would indicate.
Ho of the Week
Woman faints while driving, crashes into N.J. outdoor dining area
A Ho-Ho-Kus woman fainted at the wheel and crashed into a local restaurant’s outdoor dining set-up on Friday, police say.
The driver, 57, was heading southbound on Franklin Turnpike when she veered across lanes of traffic, over the front lawn of Sounding Board Home Theatre Company, and through the parking lots of Waldwick restaurant Nellie’s Place, taking out four tents and tables.
The woman then crashed into dumpsters and tree stumps, which stopped her car, police say.
Nellie’s Place’s outdoor dining area was closed due to rain and no customers were injured. The driver sustained only minor injuries but was transported to Valley Hospital once authorities responded, Lieutenant Thomas Dowling said.
On Saturday, police were still not sure why the driver fainted. She had just received a COVID-19 test at a nearby Rite Aid, she told police. Responding officers ruled out alcohol as a cause.
Apparently outdoor dining isn’t as safe as the experts would have us believe.
Cut of the Week
Police confirm arrest of deaconess, who tortured 14-year-old girl with hot knife
Earlier today, @PoliceNG in Kaduna arrested Madam Yemi, Deaconess at Living Faith Church, for domestic terror on Princess, a 14 yo, Kajuru IDP whom she’d taken from her parents as domestic
Madam & her kids wld put knife on fire & burn this kid with it from face to genitals. pic.twitter.com/RzpyncXljF
— Chidi Odinkalu (@ChidiOdinkalu) July 10, 2020
THE Kaduna State Police Command has confirmed the arrest of a middle-aged woman, identified as Madam Yemi for torturing a 14-year-old girl with hot knife.
Narrating the human rights abuse on Twitter, Chidi Odinkalu, a Nigerian human rights activist wrote that the woman, Yemi Awolola, who is a Deaconess at a Living Faith Church, Kaduna committed the domestic terror on the 14-year-old lady identified as Princess Michael.
He stated that the deaconess had approached Kajuru IDP camp to seek for the custody of the young girl from her parents.
Odinkalu explained that the woman and her children were putting knife on fire to burn their victim with it from face to genitals.
The Ministry also confirmed that Princess was given to Awolola by her parents upon agreement that she will be supported to go to school.
However, for the 15 months of Princess’s stay with her guardian, she has been consistently abused and battered. She is made to sleep in the rest room and oftentimes is forced to drink pepper which Mrs. Yemi rubs on Princess’s body, it said.
The case was brought to light when the woman and her family members used a lighter to burn Princess’s private part and also inserted same device into her vagina which landed the poor girl in a hospital in Barnawa.
Worst Disney princess ever.
F-Bomb of the Week
Vehicle with stolen plates crashes into restaurant on Edmonton’s 118 Avenue
Edmonton police are looking for information after a vehicle with stolen plates crashed into a restaurant on 118 Avenue Sunday morning.
Police were called to the business at 118 Avenue and 91 Street at 7 a.m. where they found a Pontiac Torrent with a stolen licence plate smashed through a wall.
The building sustained “significant damage,” according to police, and the driver of the vehicle ran away.
The business, Pho King Edmonton, shared images of the damage on its Instagram account.
“There was no one inside the building at the time the collision happened,” read the post. “If you have any information on the car, please contact police.
He drove through the Pho King window and did a lot of Pho King damage. What a Pho King asshole.
Nut of the Week
Man asked woman why she didn’t want to play with his exposed genitals
A 25-year-old man was arrested Friday afternoon after he allegedly approached a woman to ask for water and proceeded to expose his genitals, rubbing them and asking her “you don’t want to play with my balls?” as she walked away, according to a police report.
The woman called police after the encounter, which took place in the 2400 block of South Interstate 35E. Police located the man, who at first denied exposing himself to anyone but later admitted to coming into contact with the victim and “being weird.” The man said he only exposed himself “a little” but when asked to clarify said his genitals were fully exposed and that he was aroused.
Based on the interviews with the man and the victim, police arrested him on a charge of indecent exposure, the report shows.
Play ball!
Plot Twist of the Week
‘I’m about to waste about 20 of them:’ Florida man threatened to kill kids at party, deputies say
A 57-year-old Florida man was arrested Thursday night after calling a 911 dispatcher and threatening to kill people at a house party in his neighborhood, sheriff’s officials said.
Anthony Ninham Schuler was charged with making threats to kill and misuse of the 911 system, Nassau County Sheriff’s officials said.
Schuler threatened to shoot up the party and “kill a bunch of children,”…
Deputies went to the home after the caller made threats on the county’s 911 number, a report said.
“I’m about to waste about 20 of them right now,” the caller told the dispatcher at one point. Then he claimed he had “so many guns right now, I’m about to blow the whole house up,” before adding that the sheriff’s office had better send someone over or he was going to kill people.
Deputies found a large party of children and adults going on in the neighborhood. The report said the woman who answered the door at the home said there were no problems at the house, but pointed to a house across a pond when asked if she knew of anyone that they might have a problem with.
The deputies knocked at that house, but no one answered. According to deputies, they went back to the other house and learned that the woman they had spoken with was the 911 caller’s daughter.
They found Schuler in an upstairs bedroom at the home where the party was taking place. He was described as “very intoxicated.”
No one ever suspects the 57-year-old guy with a mohawk and snake eye.
Biden of the Week
Elderly man preys on 9-year-old girl, gives her ‘special rubs’
An elderly man who indecently assaulted a girl about six decades his junior normalised his crimes by referring to them as “special rubs”.
Brian Edward Palmer, 67, lived in the same Horowhenua town as a relative of the girl’s when he touched her inappropriately on three occasions between July and November 2019.
He was sentenced in the Palmerston North District Court on Tuesday to seven months’ home detention. An application to suppress his identity was denied.
The girl and her mother were temporarily living with their relative in Shannon.
In July, Palmer was in the family’s lounge. While no-one was looking, he touched the girl’s genitals over her clothes for about a minute.
On another occasion, he was outside and requested the girl come over. He again put his hand on her genitals.
The third incident happened in the lounge again, where he rubbed the girl’s genitals until she slapped his hand away.
“This was highly distressing for this girl,” Judge Lance Rowe told Palmer, who trembled as he stood in the dock.
“You sought to normalise such conduct for this girl by calling it ‘special rubs’.
“You were trusted… Because of this trust, you had access to her house.”
Palmer told court report writers he was disgusted by his behaviour and he deserved the shame that went with it. However, he was not forthcoming with why he committed the assaults.
In New Zealand Creepy Joe would go to jail. In America, he’s the democratic party nominee.
Fake News of the Week
A CNN journalist was forced to take quick action during a live news report from a beach in California when a woman wandered into the shot, pulled down her undies and went for a number two.
National correspondent Sarah Sidner was in the middle of discussing the coronavirus pandemic with her co-workers in New York City when the incident happened on Monday.
In the footage, which was filmed at Santa Monica beach, in LA, the woman, put down several black garbage bags on the sand before doing the deed.
It is believed the woman is homeless according to some reports.
CNN keeps finding news ways to prove they are shit.
Fling of the Week
College student, boyfriend remanded in baby throwing case
Police have obtained a six-day remand order against a college student and her boyfriend, both 18, to assist in investigations into an incident in which a newborn was flung out of a 13th floor apartment unit in Farlim here yesterday.
Yesterday, the girl and her boyfriend, with whom she admitted having sexual intercourse, were detained to assist in investigations into the incident.
She had apparently kept the pregnancy a secret from her family.
Police were alerted to the incident at about 8.25am by a resident at the apartment block who had stumbled upon the dead baby girl on the fourth floor parking lot.
Following investigation, the girl revealed that she had woken up at 6am yesterday with a stomach ache, and about 30 minutes later, she went to the bathroom to try to defecate.
While she was pushing, the baby fell into the toilet bowl. She heard the baby’s cries.
She then wrapped the baby in the T-shirt she was wearing before throwing her out of the back window.
The baby’s body was badly mutilated by the impact of the fall.
It is learnt that several members of the girl’s family were at home at the time of the incident, but did not realise what had happened.
You’re not supposed to throw out the baby with the toilet water.
Chuck of the Week
Man attempts to shoot woodchuck on his property, bullet ricochets off tree and hits nearby golfer
Authorities say a golfer was accidentally shot by another man attempting to shoot a woodchuck on his property late Monday morning.
According to the Dodge County Sheriff’s Office, crews were called to The Golf Club at Camelot on State Highway 67 in the Township of Lomira shortly after 11 a.m.
The Sheriff’s Office says although the incident is still being investigated, a 50-year-old Lomira man was attempting to shoot a woodchuck on his own property.
While trying to shoot the animal, a bullet ricocheted off some trees, and hit the 80-year-old Fond du Lac man, who received non-life threatening injuries.
The man who was hit by the bullet was taken to St. Agnes Hospital in Fond du Lac.
Authorities say the man is expected to be released.
Dodge County Sheriff Dale Schmidt reminds all gun owners when you are shooting a firearm, to always know your target, as well as the area beyond it.
Caddyshack 3 sounds hilarious.
WTF? of the Week
Automoblow Is a Real, Actual Sex Toy You Can Use While Your Tesla Drives Itself
The Automoblow comes to you from the makers of the Autoblow A.I., an artificial intelligence-powered oral sex simulator that promises the “perfect blowjob.” With the Automoblow attachment, penis-having oral sex enthusiasts can take their perfect blowjob machine on the go, keeping them entertained while their Teslas are busy driving themselves.
While Automoblow inventor Brian Sloan admits that some may consider his automated road head machine “unnecessary,” the team behind the Automoblow maintains the device will become increasingly popular as self-driving cars become more common, leaving bored drivers-turned-passengers desperate for a way to pass the time they would’ve once had to spend operating their motor vehicle.
“Artificial intelligence, as it is used in self-driving cars and even in our male sex toy, frees humans from mundane tasks and allows us to spend our time in more productive ways or in leisure,” said Sloan in a press release. “As self-gratification is a popular leisure activity and controlling a car is not particularly enjoyable, it is self-evident that many men will choose to buy an Automoblow,” he explained, which, frankly, seems like sound logic to me.
Moreover, the press release explains that having a handy in-car masturbator will also give drivers the opportunity to rub one out before or after stressful events, “such as dental appointments and,” unfortunately, “funerals.”
It’s a good thing Johnny Depp didn’t cut off Elon Musk’s wang.
