There’s a fat ugly 50-year-old woman in a bar who spends the entire night trying to get someone to take her home for a night of horrid sex but she gets no takers. At last call, she stands in front of the bar and asks people if they want to pay her for sex. This is what CNN has become. The fake news network that nobody will watch for free is launching a streaming service that people will have to pay for.
Here’s the most delusional thing I’ve seen in a while:
CNN+, the much-anticipated streaming subscription service from CNN, will debut in Q1 2022.@CNNPlus will feature original, live, on demand & interactive programming. Learn more at https://t.co/1UKZbjqviZ and sign up for exclusive updates. Release: https://t.co/tHxbhQhcSX
— CNN Communications (@CNNPR) July 19, 2021
Much-anticipated? By who? As of this writing, this tweet had 121 likes, 12 hours after it was posted. Also, how can something nobody ever heard of before today be anticipated? CNN, the world’s foremost purveyor of fake news, announces their streaming service with fake news.
And they’re going with CNN+, which is the least original name they could have possibly come up with. Ain’t that right, ESPN+, Disney+, and Paramount+?
Speaking of fake news, this is from the press release:
CNN is coming off its highest rated and most trafficked year ever on both television and digital platforms and remains the most trusted name in news. From this position of strength, CNN+ will expand CNN’s unparalleled multiplatform global reach to provide a new, additive experience that complements the core CNN linear networks and digital platforms to serve CNN superfans, news junkies and fans of quality non-fiction programming.
Do they mean highest rated in CNN history or highest rated among cable news networks? Either way, it’s a complete lie. CNN started taking a nosedive sometime around Trump’s first year and have completely bottomed out now that he’s gone. Also, CNN’s programming is entirely fiction as is this press release.
“As the most trusted and recognized name in news, CNN has unrivaled global reach, world class talent and a deep existing library of content including award winning series and films. On top of a television offering that has never been stronger, which remains at the core of what we do today, we will offer consumers a streaming product that grows the reach and scope of the CNN brand in a way that no one else is doing. Nothing like this exists,” said CNN head Jeff Zucker.
Just because nothing like this exists doesn’t mean it should exist. There’s no such thing as Wolf Blitzer fetish porn for good reason.
Actually, that shit does exist. Unlike CNN, I wanted to fact-check everything before I published and did a search. This is what I found:
The internet rule #34 is frighteningly true: If it exists, or can be imagined, there is Internet porn of it.
Still, this doesn’t mean a CNN streaming service needs to exist.
I can’t really get a good sense of what will be available on this service. According to Zucker, CNN has “world class talent” so maybe they’ll do some reality shows with their biggest stars:
Lemon Squeezey – Staring Don “The Black Hole” Lemon hitting on and sexually assaulting straight guys at various bars.
Fake News Fredo – Chris Cuomo threatens to beat up random people who are critical of him and his grandma-killing brother.
The Jeffrey Toobin Masturbation Hour – CNN’s legal analyst demonstrates how to juggle work and whacking off.
I also can’t find out how much the CNN service is going to cost but let’s be honest, anything is too much. If they charged a nickel a year, nobody would pay for it.
There are already way too many steaming services. Does anyone actually pay for Apple TV or The Peacock? One more, featuring unwatchable shit that isn’t good enough to make it on CNN proper, isn’t likely to succeed. especially considering how unwatched free CNN is.
