This week the biggest WTF? was Joe Biden blaming all of the problems he’s created during his short illegitimate presidency on guns, global warming, and racism. Here’s some WTFers who have nobody to blame but themselves:
Headline of the Week
Man in Florida town reportedly ‘pretending to be a firework’ late at night ahead of holiday weekend
Residents living in a Florida town got an early Fourth of July show when a neighbor yelled fireworks noises late into the night.
There wasn’t much to see, but residents could definitely hear it.
“The dogs were barking and we go outside, and this guy is screaming. I mean, so loud,” Sara Warnecke told WBBM-TV.
The man was apparently protesting others who set off fireworks a little early this year. He was caught on security footage yelling, “Boom!” “Firecracker!” and “Bottle rocket!” in the wee hours of the morning earlier this week.
“Pretending to be a firework is also going to run afoul of our noise ordinance,” Phil Mullen, Master Corporal at Cape Coral Police Department, told the TV station.
The undocumented immigrant was promptly arrested for pretending to be an illegal firework.
Crazy AF of the Week
Air Force Video Explains What a Penis Is
It has the feel of a lost Tim and Eric sketch. A purple screen with the words “Male Reproductive System” hovers. A man dressed in an Air Force Airman Battle Uniform sits in a room with two screens next to him. He is Dr. Mayzik. Another Air Force doctor appears on the screen. He is Dr. Patel. They are here to tell you about the penis.
The efficient 2-minute long video is a tour of the penis and how it works. “The parts of the male reproductive system located outside of the body, called the genitals, include the penis, scrotum, and testicles,” Patel said. As he speaks the words, they appear on the purple screen in a descending list. The video cuts to a 3D rendering of an uncircumcised penis.
The camera zooms in, Magic School Bus style, and we’re taken on a magical journey through how the dick works. From the epididymis to the vas deferens to the origins of seme, all your favorite penis facts are here. If you never learned about the corpora cavernosa or have ever wanted to see a cross section of the penis made by the U.S. Air Force, this is the video for you.
The video is on the Defense Visual Information Distribution Service, a Pentagon run repository of images and videos created by the U.S. military.
Your tax dollars at work.
Slice of the Week
Maulvi Vakil Ahmad, 57, who was in a polyamorous relationship, reportedly rowed with his second wife after he revealed he wanted to marry a third woman.
Following the argument, the furious lady sliced off his manhood with a kitchen knife as he slept in their home in Shikarpur village, Uttar Pradesh in northern India, local media says.
The attack happened on Thursday when the man’s first wife was not at home…
Reports say the knife-wielding wife, named only as Harza, had pleaded with the priest to reconsider his plans but he would not listen.
Confessing to the crime, she told police she believed the only way to stop him marrying again was to castrate him.
…Harza enlisted the help of a family member to perform prayers, or last rites, over her husband’s dead body after he bled to death.
It was at this point a local resident became aware of the knife attack and alerted police.
Harza was arrested on Friday.
A police spokesman said: “The woman has confessed to her crime. Her husband wished to marry yet again. And she wanted to prevent him.
“Their argument turned into a major scuffle.”
Castration is cutting off the balls, not the dick. Boy, is she going feel stupid when she realizes that.
Snack of the Week
Bull penis and maggot cheese on menu at disgusting food exhibition
A German museum is hosting a “disgusting food exhibition” with a display of over 90 unusual recipes including bull’s penis and maggot cheese for visitors with strong stomachs.
The Disgusting Food Museum in Germany’s capital Berlin has set up an exhibition of strange delicacies from around the world which can be sampled at their tasting bar Friday to Tuesday from 11 a.m. until 7 p.m.
Some foods include frog smoothies from Peru, maggot cheese from Sardinia, foul-smelling fruit called durian from Thailand, and the Swedish rotten herring called surstromming.
The maggot cheese is called Casu martzu and is said to be unsafe to eat if the maggots in the cheese have died. This is why the maggots are usually still alive when eaten.
Museum director Martin Volker recommended starting with schnapps enriched with a beaver anal gland aroma called Biebergeil. “You can experience it like a menu consisting of several courses,” he said.
Schnapps and beaver asshole juice is not unlike experiencing Justin Bieber.
Journalism of the Week
CBS’s Gayle King brought up author’s ‘tiny child penis’ live on-air
During a Tuesday interview, “CBS This Morning” host Gayle King referenced the small genitalia of the guest had as a child.
King sat down with author Roger Bennett to discuss his recent memoir on becoming an American citizen titled “(Re)born in the USA: An Englishman’s Love Letter to His Chosen Home.” The segment featured clips of Bennet reading a few excerpts from the book on his life and his deep gratitude on becoming an American citizen. Bennet, who was in CBS’s studio, was visibly emotional watching clips of himself reading from his book.
However, immediately afterwards, King chose to ask about Bennett’s “tiny child penis.”
“So beautiful. It’s so beautiful.” King said in regards to the clips of Bennet reading. But she quickly moved on and said, “Something that’s not so beautiful. You write on page 56 you were a ‘late bloomer with a tiny child penis that looked like a ball spigot.’”
Where were these tough questions when she interviewed Biden?
Log Splitter of the Week
Man breaks penis during sex, makes medical history by missing target
A frisky UK fellow reportedly made medical — and sexual — history after accidentally snapping his penis lengthwise during a disastrous session in the sack.
We present the first documented case of a vertical penile fracture … sustained by a 40-year-old man during sexual intercourse,” reads the groundbreaking case study published this week in the British Medical Journal.
Medics report that the anonymous romper’s “penis buckled against his partner’s perineum” — the region between the anus and genitals — due to what they can only surmise was an ill-timed thrust.
Specifically, he suffered a broken penis, which occurs when one ruptures the “rubbery sheath of tissue below the skin that allows the penis to increase in width and length to produce a firm erection,” according to Healthline. As the injury generally happens when the member is at full mast, it often feels like a broken bone (so to speak) to the injured party, experts reported.
Per the study, “up to 88.5% of penile fractures occur during sexual intercourse, with a 20-year retrospective study concluding ‘doggy style’ and ‘man on top’ as the two main” sexual positions that endanger penises.
Where’s the GoFundMe for the endangered wild penis?
Doppelganger of the Week
BBC reporter mixes up Bill Cosby, Bill Clinton on air
A BBC reporter confused disgraced funnyman Bill Cosby with former President Bill Clinton on-air while covering the comedian’s overturned sexual assault conviction.
Journalist Michelle Fleury made the unfortunate gaffe while reporting Wednesday from the state prison where Cosby had been serving his 10-year sentence in Pennsylvania, the Independent reported.
“This has been where Bill Clinton has called home, but tonight he will sleep in his own bed after the bombshell decision to overturn his conviction of sexual assault,” Fleury said outside the prison near Philadelphia.
When her live shot wrapped up, her colleague Huw Edwards apologized for the mistake.
“Just to clarify what was said there in Michelle’s introduction to the story when she mistakenly said Bill Clinton instead of Bill Cosby, we apologize for the mistake,” Edwards told viewers.
It was an honest mistake.
Pin Cushion of the Week
Man adds 70 piercings across his body including 41 on his genitals
Michele Mancii, 28, went to university to study to become an accountant – but he quickly realised office life wasn’t for him.
Instead, he started to pursue becoming a professional piercer, inspired by the first body modifications he’d been getting since he was 15.
He’d started with getting his ears pierced and stretched but throughout his late teens and early 20s, Michele covered his body in extreme piercings and tattoos which included a one and a half inch wide lip plug, a forehead stud and 41 implants in his genitals – 19 silicone ribs and 22 beads.
Michele also has cheek, nipple and nose piercings and has also undergone a tongue splitting procedure to make it resemble that of a snake.
‘I don’t have a favourite piercing as I love everything I have done to my body.
‘Each one makes me feel more comfortable in my body and has meaning,’ he added.
Unsurprisingly, he says the most painful piercing was a piercing through his penis.
Despite being currently single, Michele thinks that his body modifications haven’t had a negative impact on his love life.
Michele’s ex-partner was skeptical when he told her that he was going to get gential implants, but Michele says that she fortunately found his split tongue and genital modifications attractive.
If his junk looks anything like his face, it’s doubtful anyone finds it attractive.
Bender of the Week
Man who attacked trans woman after realising she had male genitals is jailed
A man who had a sexual encounter with a transgender woman at a party flew into a violent rage when he discovered she had male genitals.
Suhel Sood, 34, repeatedly punched his victim, slammed her head onto a washing machine, and ordered her to clean up her own blood before letting her leave.
Fuelled by booze and cocaine, he switched on the light as the woman performed a sex act on him, shouted ‘you’re a man’ and called her a ‘dog’.
Reading Crown Court heard how the victim had arrived at a party with her boyfriend – a married man, who left early.
It was then that Sood and the woman ended up in a room alone together at the party in Reading, Berkshire, on November 14 last year.
Prosecutor Oliver Weetch said: ‘This assault arose entirely from Mr Sood discovering that she was transgender and thereafter assaulting her.’
In the course of consensual sexual activity, Sood discovered this ‘undeniably attractive woman was transgender,’ the judge said.
When you’re a fat balding cab driver, you should be a little suspicious when a hot chick wants to give a blowjob.
Fertilizer of the Week
Ekiti ‘Prophet’ Sentenced to Prison For Using Potash On Barren Woman’s Vagina
A self-acclaimed prophet has been sentenced to life imprisonment in Ekiti State for allegedly hypnotising and raping a barren woman, a development that reportedly led to her death.
Reports had it that the suspect whose name is identified as Olakanye Oni lured the victim into his room, spread a white cloth on her and raped her.
Naija News understands that the victim had visited Oni for spiritual healing before he took advantage of the situation. The prosecution team led by the Director of Public Prosecutions, Ministry of Justice, Ekiti State, Mr Julius Ajibare, said that “the prophet, sometimes in March 2017, invited one Omowale Gbadamosi from Lagos to Ado Ekiti on the pretence that he (the cleric) had solution to her barrenness.
“On getting to his church at Palace of Mercy, Mathew Street, Odo Ado Area, Ado Ekiti, he collected a sum of N52,000 from the victim. He hypnotised the victim and lured her into his room. He, thereafter, spread a white cloth on her and raped her.
“The convict used white handkerchief to clean the victim’s private part and inserted a substance believed to be potash into her vagina. The victim’s vagina got decayed as a result of the substance inserted into it by the cleric and this resulted into the victim’s eventual death.”
Who knew fertilizer doesn’t cure infertility?
Bubble of the Week
Plastic surgery addict with 32K boobs spends £30,000 to look like Bratz doll
A plastic surgery addict with 32K boobs has spent £30,000 to look like a Bratz doll and says she loves her look.
Jessica Bunnington, 20, has had two breast surgeries so far and is already planning her third.
The woman from Vienna, Austria, has also opted for a Supercharged Brazilian Butt Lift, which includes a fat transfer and implants, to help her achieve her desired look.
She also gets filler in her lips regularly to enhance her pout – and says she wants to have more surgeries in the near future.
Jessica said: “I absolutely love the plastic look. So far I have had two breast surgeries, chin Liposuction, outer labia enlargement, a Supercharged Brazilian Butt Lift, Botox and facial fillers.
“I don’t want to look natural. I want to look like an artificial doll, especially a Bratz doll because they have big pouty lips.”
She said: “Some people think I am crazy and tell me I look so unnatural.
“But I don’t want to be natural. I was to look extreme and like a Bratz doll.”
In the unlikely event of a water landing, she can be used as a flotation device.
Crack of the Week
Man who claimed he ‘didn’t put cocaine in buttocks’ to appear in court in July
A County Derry man who was found with cocaine between his butt cheeks has claimed he didn’t put it there.
Declan Butcher (31), with 57 previous convictions, from Glenmill Park in Limavady, appeared in Derry Magistrate’s Court this week for breaching bail conditions by possessing drugs.
It was heard in court how officers had responded to a disturbance outside a bar where Butcher was present, but it was heard the defendant then ran back into the bar upon the police’s arrival.
Officers followed Butcher into a toilet in the bar where they found bags containing around 110 grams of “white powder which was analysed and found to have the presence of cocaine”.
When Butcher was taken into custody, he was searched and another small bag of cocaine was found between his buttocks.
When quizzed by officers, Butcher said he had no idea where the cocaine came from, and he was so drunk someone else must have stuck it there.
When this was read out in court, the district judge said: “That is quite drunk.”
He added: “The very suggestion he gave that he was so drunk that someone else could hide a bag or place it between the buttocks of some totally innocent individual is so bizarre that you would need to be on drugs to even contemplate it.”
It’d be funnier if he just inherited some money so they could have referred to him as a “Derry Heir.”
Cellmate of the Week
Inmate allegedly stabbed by cellmate at St. Joseph County Jail
An inmate at the St. Joseph County Jail was allegedly stabbed by his cellmate Monday afternoon, the St. Joseph County Police Department reported.
At 4:10 p.m., jail staff were called to a cell pod regarding a fight between inmates in one of the cells.
Staff was called by other inmates who saw the fight and told staff that someone was getting stabbed, according to the probable cause affidavit.
When staff approached the cell, they found inmate Mark Coleman in the back of the cell holding a sharpened piece of metal in his hand.
Inmate Malik Ware was at the front of the cell and appeared to have several lacerations on his neck and on both of his arms.
Ware told a deputy that he and Coleman didn’t know each other. Coleman started asking Ware if he was the devil and allegedly told Ware he was going to kill him, according to court documents.
Coleman then allegedly stabbed Ware in the neck with a sharpened piece of metal…
The deputy also spoke to Coleman, who said he was trying to “break the ice” with Ware but felt threatened.
Coleman said he was threatened by Ware tapping on the wall. Coleman said he “poked him in the neck” with a sharpened piece of metal he had brought with him from Lake County…
A 5-inch piece of sheet metal with a point on one end and a washcloth wrapped around the other end was allegedly used in the attack, the Police Department reported.
Coleman told jail staff he had carried the piece of sheet metal in his rectum from the Lake County Jail, police said.
The St. Joseph County Jail welcoming committee could use some work.
Ass of the Week
Man discovers bullet in buttocks, told police he thought it was “Roman candle”
A Salisbury man told police that he thought he had been shot in the behind by a Roman candle. It turns out he was shot with a gun and there was a bullet lodged in his buttocks.
According to the police report, the 53-year-old man said that he was at the Sports Complex on Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Avenue on Friday at approximately 1:00 a.m. He said that some boys were there shooting fireworks. The man said he felt something hit his left buttock, but “didn’t think much about it.”
The next morning when he woke up, the man said he was bleeding, but still “didn’t think too much about it.” Later he noticed a lump in his groin area. He said that he felt some pain, but that it “was tolerable.” Family members encouraged him to go to the hospital where it was determined that he had been shot and that the bullet was still in his body.
This kind of thing happens on Martin Luther King Jr. streets in every city in America.
White Castle of the Week
Man’s intestines burst after 2 friends ‘jokingly’ insert air compressor in his private parts
In a shocking case reported from Ghaziabad near Delhi, a 28-year-old man’s two friends allegedly shoved an air compressor up his backside and released the pressure, leaving him grievously injured. After the incident, the man, identified as Sandeep Kumar, was rushed to a hospital in adjoining Noida, and later referred to another medical facility for treatment. Doctors said a portion of his rectum and small intestines has exploded and his condition is critical.
The alleged incident took place at Kumar’s workplace on Tuesday evening. The two accused, identified as Ankit and Gautam, have been arrested by the police.
The victim and the two accused worked together at a snack manufacturing unit in H Block, Sector 63 in Noida, said police.
Following the incident, Kumar was immediately rushed to Tripathi Hospital in Sector 119 by few other people present at the unit.
According to the doctors at the hospital, it is an unusual case, and Sandeep continues to be in a critical condition. “When the patient was brought in, his stomach was inflated and part of his small intestines and rectum had burst,” said Aruna Reddy, a senior resident doctor at the hospital.
So they were Kumar’s “air buds?”
Ladies Man of the Week
A man in his 20s arrested for urinating on a woman while on a subway escalator
A man is seen following closely behind a young woman down an escalator at a subway station.
This man then went on to urinate on the woman before he was arrested for obscene actions. The incident occurred at 10:30 PM when a man in his late 20s followed a woman and urinated on her.
The victim grabbed the man who was trying to flee and dragged him to the station office to have him be arrested. During the process, the two individuals got involved in a physical fight. Luckily, the victim was able to call for help and caught the perpetrator.
According to the victim, she felt a hot sensation on her back and heard urinating sound when she looked back to find the man urinating on her. When she protested, the man only apologized and tried to flee. The woman claims that she had been traumatized by the event and has anxiety every time she goes down the subway escalator.
During the police investigation, it was revealed that the man was drunk while committing such a bizarre crime. The police stated they will summon the man for further investigations and will consider whether to apply the charges of indecent assault.
So that’s what the term “piss drunk” means.
Smoker of the Week
Man who leapt from moving LAX plane said he smoked ‘a lot’ of meth
A passenger who allegedly charged the cockpit of a taxiing plane at Los Angeles International Airport told authorities he smoked “a lot” of crystal meth prior to the frightening incident, court documents show.
Luis Antonio Victoria Dominguez, 33, whispered to a passenger next to him on Friday’s United Airlines Flight 5365 that he planned to jump out of the plane as it readied to depart, according to court documents…
Victoria Dominguez had arrived at LAX on Tuesday, hoping to get to Salt Lake City, but he didn’t have a connecting flight planned.
He instead visited a hotel in downtown Los Angeles, where he downed several beers and used $20 to buy “a lot” of crystal meth, according to an account he gave FBI investigators.
Victoria Dominguez then relocated Wednesday to another downtown Los Angeles hotel, where he smoked meth “on and off” throughout the day while deciding he wanted to fly to Utah rather than taking a bus…
He told authorities he smoked more crystal meth Thursday and left a hotel to catch a flight out of LAX, but missed it and left the airport to wander the streets. He returned to the airport again Friday — only to miss his flight a second time before rescheduling a spot on Flight 5365 to Salt Lake City…
Victoria Dominguez said he started to come down from “all the drugs he had used in the last couple of days” when he took his seat. He overheard passengers “laughing and talking” about the flight going to another destination than Salt Lake City…
That sent Victoria Dominguez into a panic, prompting him to unbuckle his seat belt and charge to the front of the plane…
When he couldn’t get inside the cockpit, he allegedly pushed a flight attendant aside and focused on an emergency door, which he allegedly opened and partially deployed its slide…
Another passenger grabbed Victoria Dominguez to try to keep him inside the cabin, but he broke free as the moving plane came to a halt, falling onto the tarmac and breaking his leg…
He got woke from all the meth smoke and then his leg got broke.
Dipper of the Week
Man accused of threatening to blow up McDonald’s over missing dipping sauce
An Iowa man was arrested over the weekend for allegedly threatening to blow up a McDonald’s because workers forgot to add dipping sauce to his order, a report said.
Robert Golwitzer Jr., 42, is accused of calling in the explosive threat early Saturday night after he ordered Chicken McNuggets from the fast-foot restaurant in Ankeny, police told WHO 13.
In addition to the bomb threat, Golwitzer allegedly said over the phone that he would punch a worker, the report said.
Police called Golwitzer and he allegedly admitted over the phone — and later at the precinct — to making the threats.
He is charged with false report of explosive or incendiary device.
Now that’s what I call a dipshit.
Beaver of the Week
Freedom brother and sister charged with incest
FREEDOM — A brother and sister have been charged after their sexual relationship came to light.
According to a criminal complaint, the 30-year-old woman and 37-year-old man, both of Freedom, are each charged with incest after the woman told officers about their intimate relationship, which resulted in a child. They are not being named by The Times due to the nature of the crime.
Conway police were dispatched to the Fourth Avenue home the half-siblings share around 11:30 p.m. May 14 after reports of a physical assault.
During the investigation, the woman told police her brother attacked her and then fled as officers arrived, a report said.
According to the report, she told police they conceived a child together although she “knew it was illegal.”
The woman was interviewed by police on May 24 and informed officers she and the man had been having a sexual relationship since mid-2019. She told officers that family members know of the relationship and the child.
The woman gave DNA samples of her and her son to officers, the report said, and on May 28, police obtained a search warrant to receive DNA samples from the man while he was in the Beaver County Jail.
Apparently the City of Freedom and Beaver County don’t live up to their names.
Whatever This Is of the Week
Don’t swim or let your kids swim if sick with diarrhea. One person with diarrhea can contaminate the entire pool. Learn more ways to keep you and those you care about healthy. #HealthySwimming https://t.co/3ogS3ZlQX6 pic.twitter.com/lbN6uvvufu
— CDC (@CDCgov) July 1, 2021
Next week Dr. Fauci will contradict the CDC and say shitting in the pool is good.
Monk of the Week
8-year-old NH boy shooting chipmunks accidentally strikes uncle in head
A 32-year-old man was accidentally shot in the head in New Hampshire after the bullet fired by his 8-year-old nephew ricocheted while they were shooting chipmunks, police said.
The man was injured Friday in Milton and is expected to recover, Fosters Daily Democrat reports.
Police said a bullet shot by the 8-year-old ricocheted after killing a chipmunk and hit the man in the head.
Milton Police Chief Richard Krauss called it a “truly just a freak accident.”
“It’s not against the law for anyone to teach a child how to shoot and take them hunting, even at 8 years old,” Krauss aid. “There are kids who learn how to hunt and shoot a lot younger than that,” he said.
Never shoot at a chipmunk wearing a Superman cape, they tend to be bulletproof.
WTF? of the Week
Inside sacred ‘naked women only’ forest that fines any blokes who try to enter
A sacred ‘women only’ forest in Indonesia hands out fines of £50 to any men who attempt to enter.
The forest, located in Jayapura, Papua, has been a special place for generations of women to gather together to collect clams and share stories – but men are banned from the area.
Intruders facing fines of up to one million rupiah ($69/£50) – an amount that’s usually paid in polished stones, according to a film by BBC Indonesia.
Speaking to the documentary makers, villager Adriana Meraudje said: “This has always been a women’s only forest. Long before I was born, it existed. It’s always been here, with the same rules.
“To enter the women’s forest, you have to be naked. You can’t wear clothes.
“If a man even peeks in, he will be punished – sanctioned and fined. We take them to tribal court.”
Another villager, named Ari Rumboyrusi explained that it is a tradition for women to tell stories together while they collect clams.
She told the BBC: “When it’s a low tide, we all go together. We invite our friends and enter the forest by boat.
“When we’re in the forest, we’re free, as there are no men around.
“It’s just us women, so we freely share stories with the elders. We plunge our bodies into the sea, feeling our way through the mud for clams.”
The women will then go on to sell the clams they have collected.
That’s a hard pass on the naked women and their clams.
