4th of July festivities being cancelled in much of the country is as big of a WTF? as there is. The is a holiday when we celebrate our independence and freedom, even if that means being reckless. While many of us can’t see the fireworks, go to a parade, or even BBQ with our families, here are some people who personify the right to be as crazy as you want to be. You can’t spell freedom” without “dumb” especially if you spell it incorrectly.
Headline of the Week
Bully who told girlfriend ‘I’ll scoop out your eyes’ spared jail after horse therapy
A vile bully who kicked his girlfriend in the genitals was spared jail after undertaking horse therapy to tackle his problems.
Former soldier Andrew Monks repeatedly stamped on his terrified partner’s face, then threatened to scoop out her eyeballs and torture her.
Monks, of Croxteth Drive, Sefton Park, has a history of domestic violence and once battered his pregnant wife just weeks after their wedding.
But he walked free from court after a judge was told he was doing rehabilitation work including “equine therapy” in an effort to “regain his honour”.
Liverpool Crown Court heard the woman was woken up by drunken Monks, at her Sefton Park home, in the early hours of February 26 this year.
Kyra Badman, prosecuting, said he accused her of cheating on him and punched her in the face, after which she insulted his family.
Monks called the police himself and when officers arrived, they noticed his girlfriend’s cheek was slightly swollen, but she didn’t report any attack and no action was taken.
After they left, his partner went to the toilet, but Monks walked in, grabbed her by the hair and pulled her to the floor.
Ms Badman said: “He stamped on her face with a bare foot. She said in her police statement he seemed to enjoy her being scared.”
When in the living room, Monks ripped her dress so it fell to her ankles, then as she tried to put some trousers on, punched her in the ribs.
Ms Badman said: “She recalls being kicked hard to the genitals.”
“He then punched her repeatedly to the head, before stamping on her face about three to four times.”
The victim again tried to escape, but Monks closed the front door on her legs and pulled her inside.
Ms Badman said: “He then told her to bite down on a spoon that he tried to force into her mouth and said he would torture her.
“He threatened to break her teeth and scoop her eyes out.
Unless horse therapy involves gettin kicked in the nuts and raped by horses, this seems like a light sentence.
Teeny Weeny of the Week
Court erupts with laughter as prosecutor describes serial sex killer’s tiny penis
A courtroom erupted with laughter and cheers as a prosecutor told of how a serial sex killer had a small penis. Victims and their relatives applauded as prosecutor Amy Holliday told a court room in Sacramento, California, how multiple women had remarked on Golden State Killer Joseph DeAngelo’s small manhood.
Recounting the evidence of one victim, anonymized as Jane Doe 20, during Monday’s hearing, Holliday said: ‘After the sexual assault she could hear DeAngelo walking around the house. After she could no longer hear him in the house she was able to remove the blindfold and hop, still bound, to a neighbor’s house for help.
‘When asked to describe her assailant to law enforcement Jane Doe 20 reported that he had a small penis, a fact that was consistently recorded by the majority of the sexual assault victims.’
One eyewitness in the university ballroom that had been repurposed as a socially-distanced court room said the laughter and applause began after one of 74 year-old DeAngelo’s victims pointed at him. A Zoom feed of the hearing was quickly muted to drown out the sound.
DeAngelo pleaded guilty to 13 counts of first-degree murder. He is also believed to have raped at least 50 women in a spree that terrorized California between 1974 and 1986. Many of his surviving victims attended Monday’s hearing.
It’s not the size, it’s what you do with it. Oh wait, that was the problem.
Frankenweenie of the Week
Surgeons Successfully Reattach Man’s Penis Nearly a Day After It Was Cut Off
Surgeons in the United Kingdom have reattached a man’s penis nearly a day after it was cut off, the longest documented time the organ has been without a blood supply and still successfully replanted.
Surgeons in Birmingham just barely made it under the 24-hour mark. Their patient was a 34-year-old man with a history of paranoid schizophrenia who had tried to take his own life during a psychotic episode.
Discovered 15 hours later, the patient was immediately taken to hospital where he was resuscitated and wheeled to the operation room.
Major blood vessels running along the top of the penis were quickly identified, and found to be in working order; linking the vein back up required grafts from an arm vein. Unfortunately, one of the major severed nerves had retreated too far back to be reconnected, but the reconnected vessels returned blood to the penile tissue in the nick of time.
Six weeks after the operation, the young man’s urethra was not only working once again, sensation had also returned to his penis. Thanks to a carefully reattached artery and vein, the patient was even able to achieve a full erection.
Suicide by castration?
Coronaweenie of the Week
Man Suffers 4-Hour Erection From Blood Clots Due to Coronavirus
COVID-19 has reportedly caused some unusual side effects—the loss of taste and smell, COVID toes, skin rashes—but there are plenty of symptoms associated with coronavirus we’re still learning about. Case in point: One man with a severe case of the virus who ended up suffering from a four-hour erection.
The 62-year-old man, who has not been publicly identified, is now the subject of a new case report published June 18 in The American Journal of Emergency Medicine. Experts are using his case to warn others that priapism—a medical condition where the penis stays erect for longer than usual outside of sexual stimulation—is a potential side effect of the virus.
According to the case report, the man went to Centre Hospitalier de Versailles in Le Chesnay near Paris with complaints of having symptoms like a fever, dry cough, diarrhea, and generally feeling sick. Doctors gave him antibiotics, but he went back to the hospital two days later after he experienced shortness of breath. The man went into respiratory failure, had to be put on a ventilator, and was treated for acute respiratory distress syndrome (ARDS).
The man had to be sedated and was unconscious when he was put on the ventilator. Afterward, doctors conducted a physical exam that discovered “previously unidentified priapism, in the absence of urinary catheterization.” The man was also tested for COVID-19 upon arrival to the hospital, the results of which were positive for a SARS-CoV-19 infection.
Depending on the type of priapism someone experiences, it can also be painful. (The man in the case report experienced low-flow priapism, which happens when blood flows into the penis but is unable to flow out.) Given that he was sedated at the time, doctors didn’t know if he was in pain.
Low flow toilets suck too.
Caveman of the Week
CAVE SPRING JAILED FOR EXPOSING PENIS TO KIDS AT PARK
Jerry A Newberry, 28 of Cave Spring, was arrested at Rolater Park after he allegedly exposed his penis in front of children.
Reports added that while being taken into custody he was found in possession of suspected Pregabalin pills.
Newberry is charged with public indecency and possession of a schedule V controlled substance.
Prega-Ballin’ pills sound like something a raper would take to knock up his bitch.
Hawaiian Punch of the Week
Road rage led to testicle punch
Christopher Lewis, of Brynglas, Aberporth, pleaded guilty to assault by beating when he appeared before Haverfordwest magistrates on Wednesday, June 24.
Vaughan Pritchard-Jones, prosecuting, told the court that Lewis was part of a convoy of cars returning to the Cardigan area following a friend’s funeral in Narberth on February 10.
The victim was behind Lewis’ Ford Fiesta before turning off for Cilgerran, but the car appeared travelling towards him in the opposite direction once he got to the village.
Lewis’ Fiesta straddled the victim’s side of the road, forcing him to stop. Lewis, 29, got out of his car, approached the victim and grabbed him by the throat through the open window.
Mr Pritchard-Jones said: “He then grabbed hold of his arm and tried to pull him out of the window, causing him to bang his head. He leaned in and punched down twice onto his testicles. He then stopped the assault and walked away.”
He also kicked the wing mirror off the victim’s car.
The court heard that he had only intended to speak to the other driver, but had lost his temper and was remorseful.
Meinir Phillips, defending, said: “Clearly on the day in question emotions were running high. He accepts that he was totally out of order.
Magistrates imposed a 12-month community order with a 10-day rehabilitation activity.
Lewis was ordered to pay £75 compensation, £85 costs and a £90 surcharge.
The chairman of the bench said: “You have been very foolish to attempt to take the law into your own hands.”
It was balls, not the law, in his hands.
Queen of Pop of the Week
Michael Jackson’s daughter dated a man that had a vagina
Paris Jackson “never thought” she would end up dating a man. The 22-year-old model has mainly dated women in the past, but she is now in a relationship with Gabriel Glenn, and insists when it comes to her romances, it is more about what they are like as a person rather than “what’s in their pants”.
She said: “Never thought I’d end up with a dude. Thought I’d end up marrying a chick or … I’ve dated more women than men. Been with more chicks. The public only knows about three long-term relationships I’ve been with and they’ve been with men. The public doesn’t know about like most of the relationships I’ve been in. I say I’m gay because I guess I am, but I wouldn’t consider myself bisexual because I’ve dated more than just men and women, I’ve dated a man that had a vagina. It has nothing to do what’s in your pants, it’s literally like, what are you like as a person?”
And Paris insists her father, Michael Jackson, “felt the energy” that she was gay.
Well, he felt something anyway. In related news, Micheal Jackson’s white daughter had a black dad.
Fish Tits of the Week
Copenhagen Vandals Write “Racist Fish” On Little Mermaid Statue And Put Stickers On Its Breasts
A statue of Little Mermaid in Copenhagen, Denmark, has been targeted by vandals, who wrote “racist fish” on the statue and place stickers on its breasts.
The iconic statue sits at the entrance of the Copenhagen Harbour.
According to reports, the statue was targeted by vandals overnight on Thursday into Friday.
Vandals wrote “racist fish” on the bottom part of the statue of Little Mermaid and placed stickers on her nipples.
Ariel Areola.
Jihadi Jugs of the Week
British ISIS bride Samia Hussein has revealed an explosion tore off her arm and one of her breasts when coalition forces launched an airstrike on a jihadist weapon store near her home.
The 25-year-old from Southall, west London, blamed ISIS for her injuries. She said the caliphate put women and children at risk by storing supplies next to houses filled with families.
Hussein, who is now being held in the Kurdish-run al-Hol prisoner camp in north east Syria, had walked into her house as the air strike detonated nearby.
She said she ‘saw orange’ but didn’t realise she had been hurt.
In her first interview she told documentary filmmaker Alan Duncan: ‘I tried to run. But then I realised that my arm was cut off, my chest was split open and my leg was broken – the whole bone came out.’
Was it a tit-seeking missile?
Excuse of the Week
Pervert, 50, gives sick excuse for indecent assault of 12-year-old boy in a shopping centre toilet
A married father-of-two claimed a 12-year-old boy gave him sexual ‘signals’ before he indecently assaulted the child in a public toilet in western Sydney.
Fouad Hasna, 50, told the Parramatta District Court the child had given him a ‘mysterious, sexual look’ before he followed him into a Bass Hill Plaza toilet – a known gay ‘cruising’ spot – in 2017.
Hasna said the boy had given him the look outside the shopping centre and followed him inside to the toilets.
There he said he heard the boy breathing heavily and masturbating in a cubicle, which aroused him…
‘I was obviously aroused by what he was doing, he was masturbating in the cubicle. I could hear him and see him and hear the breathing,’ he said.
When the boy left the cubicle the court heard Hasna pushed him back in before grabbing the child’s genitals.
Hasna already had his own genitals in his hand before forcing the protesting child to his knees, telling him ‘I know you want my penis’ while the boy was asking him to stop.
‘I got it all wrong. I misread it,’ he told the court. ‘By the look of it I thought he was an adult.’
He said he had ‘a very happy married life’ and said his homosexual tendencies were only a result of a mental illness that arose from an accident in 2011.
Airbags made him gay and rapey.
Shit Science of the Week
The explosive physics of pooping penguins: they can shoot poo over four feet
Nature is a brutal place, so during brooding, chinstrap and Adélie penguins are reluctant to leave their eggs unguarded in the nest—even to relieve themselves. But one also does not wish to sully the nest with feces. So instead, a brooding penguin will hunker down, point its rear end away from the nest, lift its tail, and let fly a projectile of poo—thereby ensuring both the safety of the eggs and the cleanliness of the nest.
Back in 2003, two intrepid physicists became fascinated by this behavior and were inspired to calculate the answer to a burning question: just how much pressure can those penguins generate to propel their feces away from the edge of their nests? Answer: about three times more pressure than a human could produce.
The answer: internal penguin pressures can reach 10 to 60 kilopascal (0.1 to 0.6 atmospheres, or 600 grams per square centimeter), significantly higher than the pressure the average human can exert when defecating. Meyer-Rochow said the pressure was comparable to “at least one half of the pressure of our cars’ tires,” adding, “Not bad for a little fellow one third the size of a human.”
Not to brag but I think I could do better than 4 feet after Taco Bell and tequila.
Buffy of the Week
Pennsylvania man beat 92-year-old father to death, thought he was vampire
A man who says he fatally beat his 92-year-old father in their home because he believed his father was a vampire has been sentenced to 10 to 30 years in prison.
Douglas Novak pleaded guilty but mentally ill last November to murder, arson, reckless endangerment and risking a catastrophe charges.
Authorities have said he fatally beat Frank Novak with the wooden arm of a dining room chair.
Novak’s lawyer said Thursday that his client was off his medication when he attacked his father.
But prosecutors say Novak told police he beat his father because the older man was hiding his phone.
It would have been funnier if it was a Transylvania man.
Rivercide of the Week
Philadelphia man, brother found dead after going missing at Murderkill River
Delaware State Police say a 21-year-old man from Philadelphia and his brother were found dead hours after going missing while swimming in Kent County.
The victims have been identified as 21-year-old Kevin George Jr., of Philadelphia, and his 20-year-old brother Zion George, of Tennessee.
According to authorities, Kevin and Zion, along with a 20-year-old woman and 20-year-old man from Philadelphia, traveled Tuesday for a day trip to South Bowers Beach.
Around 2 p.m., the three men entered the water in the Delaware Bay to go swimming during low tide conditions.
As they were in the water, police said, the tide changed, and the strong current pulled all three into the Murderkill River.
During this time, the Assistant Chief of South Bowers Beach Fire Department Michael Hignutt and his cousin, Timothy Smith, were fishing in the area and heard cries for help.
Police said both Hignutt and Smith entered the water in an attempt to rescue the swimmers.
Hignutt successfully rescued the 20-year-old man to shore. He then noticed the 20-year-old woman had now entered the water to try and save the others.
The woman, however, was then pulled out by the current. Hignutt was able to successfully rescue her.
Hignutt and his cousin were not able to locate Kevin and Zion.
Multiple police, fire departments, maritime, and Emergency Medical Service agencies responded to the scene and conducted a search and rescue operation.
The search efforts were suspended at 9 p.m. Tuesday.
Crews returned at 9 a.m. Wednesday for a search and recovery mission.
Around 10:30 a.m., police said the body of Kevin George Jr. was recovered in the Murderkill River near where he was last seen.
Approximately 15 minutes later, Zion George was recovered in the same area.
Police suspect the river but don’t have a motive.
WT Literal F? of the week
Porn star wanted by police after filming sex scene on bus without face mask
A porn star who allegedly filmed a sex scene without wearing a face mask is wanted by police.
The actress, named in reports as Kaori Dominick, filmed the scene in Cali, Colombia,
It was then uploaded to Pornhub before it was later deleted, after breaking Valle del Cauca regulations that require a mask to be worn at all times on public transport.
The woman is seen in gloves and a facemask when she is approached by a man as she is buying a ticket for the bus.
The pair agree for her to use a ‘Lovense’ vibrator which is controlled by an application on the man’s phone and he records her while she uses it on the bus.
On one of the scenes she can be seen to have removed her face mask, and this meant she broke the country’s health rules.
The woman then reportedly gave the man her underwear as a memory as the video ends which was also arguably unhygienic.
The pair could face fines for breaking safety measures ordered during Colombia’s coronavirus lockdown, according to reports.
Did she at least wipe down the seat like at the gym?
